Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
