what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
