Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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