Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
