Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
