yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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