just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
this just has baby written all over it
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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