Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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