Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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