last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
