This show inspires me to have sex in space
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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