A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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