We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
