if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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