Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
