please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
