Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize