what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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