My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
