really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
