life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
