My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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