I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
