That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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