put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
