I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
