My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
