Just fell off a train. Bad.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize