I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
