One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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