Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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