my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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