my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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