Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
