Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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