while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
