Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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