good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
