There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
