His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
