Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
