Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
