The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
