oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
