i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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