I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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