I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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