i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
