Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
