I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
