I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
