My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
