Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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