i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He felt like a one man threesome
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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