I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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