just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
