just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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