Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I accidentally burped into my bong.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
