i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
