Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
